Yo, Christine! I've been divorced for four years. My relationship with my ex -- father of our two boys -- has been rocky but has recently taken a turn for the better. It could be because he's recently remarried. Now that we get along, should I buy him a Father's Day gift? For good times sake?
Dear Not Thinking Clearly: What color is the sky in your world? Are you out of your mind? He’s not your father, he’s your ex-husband. Now that he’s remarried, and probably a lot happier than he was while married to you, why start something? Let him be happy, and don’t give the new Mrs. any reason to interrogate him over a silk bathrobe that you had monogrammed with his initials. Have the kiddies make some of those plaster handprints for him, and call it a day.
Yo, Christine! What can I do if my adult son refuses to have Father’s Day dinner with his step-mother?
Dear Not Thinking Clearly: Um, nothing. Your adult son should have a FATHER’S DAY DINNER with his FATHER. How does the step-mother fit into this? Wait a second … I think I know where you’re going. She’s probably some bubbly, perky 20-something, and you’re trying to get your son some Cover Girl time, hoping to break up Gidget and the ex. Back off, woman! What’s the matter? The guy you cheated with to break up your marriage suddenly had a case of the guilts and went back to his wife? Let your ex live happily ever after, and stop pressuring your son into the role of home-wrecker. That’s a title you can keep for yourself.
Yo, Christine! Do you buy your boyfriend who has a son with another woman a Father’s Day card?
Dear Not Thinking Clearly: Um, no. Your boyfriend is not your father. While you can’t do anything about the fact that he slept around before he met you, and knocked up some local skank, it’s not your responsibility to honor him on Father’s Day. Let the baby mama think of something that the little tike can give his sperm donor father. What you can get him is a box of condoms, just in case he feels the need to step out on you in the future. You don’t want any more tax deductions knocking on your door in a few years.
Yo, Christine! My wife and two teenaged children asked me what I wanted for Father’s Day. I told them I wanted to go into the woods by myself and explore nature for the weekend, taking pictures. Now my wife isn’t speaking to me.
Dear Not Thinking Clearly: Really? What a shock … your wife stopped speaking to you after you told her you wanted to spend a weekend in the woods photographing ‘nature.’ Tell me, do you have any past history with this ‘nature’ stuff? Did your wife catch you at some point taking pictures of, oh, say, your secretary in ‘nature’ or your dental hygienist in ‘nature?’ If I were you, I’d beg her forgiveness, laugh it off like it was a big joke, and tell her that there’s nothing you’d rather do on Father’s Day then to spend it with the products of your blissful marriage – your two kids. Then you can spend the rest of the year kissing your wife’s ass for not kicking you to the curb when she found your first ‘nature’ pictures.
Yo, Christine! What do you get a deadbeat dad for Father’s Day?
Dear Not Thinking Clearly: Are you for real? How about a bench warrant for not paying child support? How about a couple of sheriff’s deputies knocking down his door at 4 AM to haul his ass to jail? How about a huge red flag on his credit report? How about contacting DMV to have his license pulled? I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. Unless you’re a glutton for punishment, and are trying to get this guy back in your life, you don’t owe him a thing. As soon as a dad has a ‘deadbeat’ put in front of his name, he loses a lot of privileges, one of them being on the receiving end of a gift on Father’s Day.